Something about the summer in Pittsburgh drives me insane
The suffocation of the heat pressing down upon me
Unable to speak, short of breath in the heat
We sweat endlessly against the sheets
Skin pressed together, molten and ready to fuse
Lights twinkle around us like so many stars
Glimpsed above your head when you smile at me
Looking into me with half lidded eyes
and the universe crowned upon your brow
the endless lives we have yet to live
and the road we follow together
all unfold before me.

I feel once more as if I am standing upon a precipice
Looking out at the sea before me from a foreign land
and knowing that on the other side of that great expanse
lies the elusive feeling that we call home
never knowing who waits for us there
or how a twist of fate will take us there
to the place we finally belong
with another's heart that we call home.

I always knew that someday
it would lead me to you.
To hands that hold mine
A voice that sings my name
A shy smile that grows bolder
A kiss stolen that grows longer
A love that is true and open
No longer a secret that is hidden
Deep within me

Instead there is only you and me
hand in hand to face the world
and moving each other forward
into the vast unknown before us.

Tonight I drank whiskey with Lucy (as I did last night as well) and we talked about life and the strange paths we've taken to end up here. We didn't watch football but when the game was over we went out seeking the riots. Oakland was eerily quiet with random mobs of students and cops all standing watching one another. There were cops on horses, a sonic cannon and leftover g20 cops who still had their uniforms, all dressed in black with big wooden sticks. Students watched them warily, we followed them around campus, photographing the spectacle.

No riots tonight, just a bunch of sad sports fans singing to themselves. I know that feeling all too well lately.

This week I shall be productive. I will get up early tomorrow and do pilates. I will do paperwork, clean my room, go to hocus pocus and buy some incense, consult tattoo parlors for prices, go to class, eat something relatively healthy, smoke less, write more and not worry about boys.

Last week I turned 25. Its strange. My party was good but the birthday itself was pretty rough. I still go through the emotional extremes and I must learn to control them. Stop giving myself away. I only have so much of myself left.

Time to go look at pictures now.

What I miss most is having someone to share these little moments with. The moment when I finish a good piece of writing, produce an exceptional photograph and am proud of myself. I reach out to talk to someone, to share it with someone and there is no one there. I have the urge to call Rob, ask him to read my piece. I don't know if he would do it, he is too busy with all of his own important readings. I text J. instead, just to share my moment, even if it means no response. I am supposed to see him tomorrow night, hopefully. I don't know whats happening there. I cannot control it.

I try to control myself. I hold myself at bay so I can set myself up for intense emotional reactions that cause me to melt down momentarily. Then I regroup, I pull myself together and I do my work. I get shit done, I stop worrying about everyone else and I work for myself.

There is so much on my to-do list, it grows every longer and I try to find the time to get it all done. I procrastinated terribly on the Isenberg article and I think it showed, but I am going to get better. I am starting a new piece about Benjamin and his work as a socially conscious indie rock musician. I figure if I am his photographer, I might as well write about him as well. This, and my piece on Robert Isenberg allows me to recognize my niche as a writer. I am getting pretty good at the profile pieces, as my profile on Jason for journalism was about his work as an artist as well. This is what I do, I promote my people and I do it well.

I just had a fantastic and terrible idea. I don't know if I should do it, but it seems like good catharsis. Hm. Must ponder.

I need to use my journal more just to reflect and ponder, this is my biggest problem. I am writing so much, I need to remember to write for myself. This semester I will be writing major papers for every class I am enrolled in. Its going to be intense, but I need it, to remind myself why I am a writer. I have to remember to love it even when it sucks.

Time to watch Battlestar now.

Late at night the shadows dance on all Hallows eve
bodies twisting left and right with an eerie grace
or stumbling madly through time and space

She dances with her shadow
in the city streets
formed by a flicker light
where the edges burn bright
and spectral wings float behind
echoing every footstep
in the dead of night.

She is the bad faerie
dark eyes and ebony hair
pale skin translucent
so smooth to the touch
but inside blood is always running
running away with her heart
these wings are tattered and torn
unable to lift her up.

Faerie child lost in the urban forest
searching for roots to dig deep
a tree to reach taller than light
and open up to the sun
embracing life and love
and the coldness of the night.

Not maiden, nor mother, nor crone
she is the culmination
and the absence of the goddess
drifting within the veil between the worlds
as the moon hangs low and curved
splitting the souls with its scythe
as they pass through the night.

Lover don't you hang
your head low
in sadness and shame
for not creating
the world you see
so mixed in your mind
characters alive
words like breath
heart beating
in time

A story is alive
growing vine
tracing its pattern
up your spine
taking hold of
every inch of you
it needs air and light
and room to breathe
if you get tangled up
then you can choke
no room left
for breath
no space for life

There is a world of story
living inside your mind
I can see the glimmers
in the shifting colors
of your silent eyes
they speak to me
they breathe at night
when you sleep
tangled in my embrace
they whisper to me
waiting to be free

Final Grade Roundup in actuality:

Journalism: A
Anthropology: A-
Communications: A-
Science Fiction: B+
Algebra: C

For a total GPA of 3.472

I pulled it off.

Here it is, the culmination of my semester of hard work and endless struggle and countless emotional issues and stress. My grades.

Intro to Journalism: A

Mass Communication Process: A-

Intro to Cultural Anthropology: B+

Science Fiction: B+

Alegebra: C


Two As, two high Bs and one C. I am happy with that C. I thought for sure I was going to fail that class after the final panic attack extravangza. But I did it, I pulled off a C in Algebra. I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get an A in anthropology because I did really well in that class and all my grades were very high. Science Fiction should have been an A as well but my last paper was not so great and I should have stuck to my original plan that fell through and brought my grade down. Still, nothing I can do about it now. I am proud of my Journalism work that I did this semester, I definitely learned a lot and grew as a writer and I'm immensely grateful that I even had the opportunity to take the class at all since it will no longer be offered at Pitt.

Right now my overall grade point average is a 3.4. I am not sure if this will shift slightly (I'm estimating my anthropology grade right now based off what is posted on courseweb, its the one class that has not officially been posted to my transcript) but all in all, that is good. Its better than the last gpa I had at Corcoran which was a 2.9 or something ridiculous thanks entirely to my terrible design teacher and the emotional hell I endured that semester. I have proven myself now, to some extent, that I belong here.

Today I attended the luncheon for the women's association scholarship. I met the six other students who recieved a scholarship. I felt somewhat privilaged to be included among them, and to be the youngest to recieve an award. I was the first called to get my paper. The scholarship itself will not apply until the fall semester but still, its good to know it is coming.

After the lunch I just laid on the cathedral lawn in the sun and read my book for awhile. Its an amazing book, Robert recommended it to me so many times and now I finally have time to read (I am reading The Intrepreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri and soon will move onto The Namesake. She is amazing, truly.) Then I took the bus downtown to meet Robert after work, we sat together in a little spot between two churches and I watched two birds flying together overhead, they chased each other around the rooftops with joyous movements, they are beautiful, they are full of spirit and grace. They are free.

Despite everything trying to stand in the way of it, I am happy.

I managed to pass Math. Despite my panic attack during the final, I managed to swing a C in math. Not sure how I did it but I am immensely grateful that its over... until Saturday when I have to start my summer math session. But at least this one will not be three days a week every week. And after this, I will never have to take math again.

Don't know the rest of my grades yet, am anxiously anticipating updates on my pitt portal. I probably check it once an hour. I did finally get my grade for my last communications essay and was pleased that I got an A+. I wrote the paper on Lady Gaga's brand identity, pretty entertaining to write.

So the semester is officially over and I survived. It was difficult to say the least, I worked very hard and I struggled endlessly with money and personal problems and new relationship issues and so on and so forth. But I succeeded. If I stay on track, I'll be able to switch over into Arts and Sciences by next spring and finally declare my major. This summer I am taking my language course and opted to go with German since I took it for three years in high school and would like to actually become proficient in a language, maybe even fluent. We'll see.

My roommate, Catherine, moved out today. She graduated over the weekend and is gone now. Its strange, we never really got to know each other very well but she was a good roommate. Even if we didn't talk much, it was comforting to know that she was around sometimes. Now she's gone and the subletter she found will not be coming in until the end of the month so I will be alone here, in my apartment, until the end of May. She found a guy to sublet her room and I'm not entirely sure how comfortable I am living with a guy I do not know but I'll deal with that when the time comes.

The apartment is empty, the couch is gone, half of the furniture is gone. I decided to rearrange a bit in order to fill the empty spaces and also to give myself something to do. I have no work until Friday and no class and nothing to do with myself. I am half tempted to move into Catherine's room because its bigger but she left her bed and dresser behind for the subletter so I am not sure if I should. I did move my desk out of my room into the living room, right by the window. Maybe this will encourage me to actually sit down and write. We'll see.

Last night I told Robert about the habit I've always had of moving furniture around when I feel stifled or bored. I used to do this in high school all the time, when I had the big bedroom with the hardwood floors and so much space. I would rearrange every few months, change everything so it was still familiar, but brand new. I decided to do this today with the living room, maybe I'll change my room around too. We'll see.

I should probably get out of the house for a bit, go to the library, pick up my books waiting for me and sit in the park to read. That could be peaceful. I'm already starting to go stir crazy here.

Tomorrow I am going to the Women's Association luncheon to receive my scholarship. Or maybe they'll just announce my name. I won't actually get the money until next semester but at least I'll get a free lunch out of it.

My phone is shut off because I have one dollar left in my bank account after paying rent. I could not afford to pay my phone bill. The stress continues. I try not to think about it too much. In two weeks Robert and I are going to Philly. I miss everyone.

Someone across the fire escape from me is playing Ace of Base and it makes me weirdly happy. Its a beautiful day. I've got to get out of the house now.

In order to alleviate my string of stressed out or lonely journal entries, I decided to purposefully post an entry full of things that make me happy, as a reminder to myself.

1. Robert. Obviously. He helps me balance. He takes care of me when I need it. He is always supportive and always pushes me to be better. We are doing good, taking it one step at a time, and this makes me happy.

2. My new friends, in particular Paul and Shauna who will be my new roommates next year. They are very good friends, they always listen to me when I need to talk and they get my sense of humor and they are always understanding. Also Lucy, whom I love and am always happy when I get to see her, she invited me out for breakfast yesterday morning at Pamela's and I wish I could have gone but it made me happy just to have the invite.

3. I am acing all of my classes (except math) I calculated my grade point average in Journalism, Anthropology and SciFi and at this point, I have an A in all three classes. Communications may be around a high B right now. I don't want to talk about math.

4. Beautiful weather. Its sunny and warm out and even if I wanted to be a mope, I couldn't because I need sunshine to thrive and it is abundant today. Spring is my favorite season, a season of rebirth, renewal and freedom. I need to remember this.

5. The Cathedral of Learning. It struck me yesterday that whenever I walk into the Cathedral, I feel much more peaceful and inspired. Something about the high ceilings and beautiful architecture, or how high it reaches into the sky and the solid weight of stone comforts me. Sometimes I go up to the highest floor that can be reached and I sit at the window and look out over the city and remind myself why I am here.

6. My Science Fiction class. So. Much. Fun. Yesterday my professor gave us our next essay assignment and one of the options is to write a short story and then write our paper about the process of writing the story. This is a labor of love, but I think it is the option I will take. I need an excuse to write fiction again and I already have the seeds of a story in mind. I am happy for the inspiration and the push to write.

7. Skype. Kyle told me to download Skype the other day so we could videochat and I got to talk to him virtually face to face and see Aurian and Tanis, then later in the evening I got to watch Lost with Alaina and this made me happy. I miss them all very much and having the ability to at least see them when I talk to them is nice, it makes me less lonely.

8. The new apartment that Paul, Shauna and I put down a deposit for yesterday. It has two floors, a big living room, a dining room, a basement, front porch AND a backyard in this beautiful old brick building. It is more expensive than my current apartment, but split between the tree of us it is still cheaper than the rent I am paying now. This is exciting because I'm paying less but getting so much more. Its really a beautiful place and Paul and Shauna will be a lot of fun to live with. Now I need to get ahold of Carolyn and see if I can rush the paperwork out to her to have her be cosigner. Carolyn, if you are reading this, PLEASE CALL ME? I love you!

9. Ceili Dancing (when we get a chance to do it) It is the best workout (aside from sex) that I get during the week and it is incredibly fun. Not only that, it connects me to my Irish roots and gives me a sense of community with complete strangers. I wrote a paper about Ceili for my Journalism class and got an A on it. This may be because Libby loves me, but it gratifies me to know that even the papers I think are crap get an A.

10. Freedom. I am here because I chose to be here, I knew it would be hard, I knew it would be stressful, I knew it would be a test of my character and sometimes it drags me down and burns me out but above all I am free. I try to remain an optimistic person, perhaps and idealistic one, but I have to be because otherwise I would become a cynical bitch and that would make me hate myself. I have to remember that I am free to do what I want. I chose school, I chose Pittsburgh, I chose Robert. I am the center of my own universe and I am still free.

"I miss you," he says as he buries his head in her lap. She runs her fingers through his hair, feels his breath hot on the flesh of her belly. A frown creases her forehead, she looks down at him with a puzzled expression he cannot see.

"I am right here," she whispers. She squeezes the muscles at the nape of his neck to prove the reality of her touch. "I'm here now. You don't have to miss me anymore."

He sits upright and gazes at her with hollow eyes, dark circles growing beneath the dark pools. "Are you really? Are you sure you're not a ghost?"

She pulls him to her, lips clashing, teeth gnashing, a forceful kiss to reinforce her presence here. He wraps his arms around her, familiar hands on her back. He breathes into her, filling her lungs with his air. She dissolves the kiss, softer than the force used to iniate it and reclaims her own breath lost to the midnight air. He buries his face in her neck, kissing the spot where bone meets flesh.

"What are you doing in my city?" He asks her the familiar question, the one that has become recurring over the past several months. She fights to find the correct words this time, there is the witty rejoinder she first established, the trademark response full of bravado and bluster. And then there is the truth.

Tonight she chooses her words closer to the truth.

"I came here to take a chance," she does not look him in the eyes as she says it, instead whispers it into his ear with a gaze turned inward, unseeing what could lay beyond the emotional realm of her own self.

He pauses, perhaps expecting the typical answer she usually gives. He supplies it for her, "I thought you came to conquer it?"

She takes a deep breath and nods, pulling back to look him in the eyes and muster up the carefree grin. "I did, I came to conquer it and indeed I shall."

Because every land needs a conqueror, every decision needs a risk, every lifetime needs a chance worth taking and everybody needs somebody else to breathe.

-


Sometimes I can write scene. This is the ever ongoing story.